Anesthetize The Demons
by MylesowaHudson
Summary: Days go by, and Magnus is full of despair. He thought immortality was a gift and love was the best thing happened to him. Story goes after Lady Midnight, after a lot of years. Here's small spoiler about Shadowhunter Academy, but it's about Malec and I think you already know it. I do not own any characters.
_**ANESTHETIZE THE DEMONS**_

[MUSIC: „Je Vais T'Aimer" instrumental version by Louane

watch?v=SNkzHiFc0lg]

" _Enough to make our eyes be circled and close_

 _Enough to make our bodies suffer and die_

 _Enough to make our souls fly to the seventh heaven_

 _Enough to make ourselves believe our own deaths and make love again_

 _I will love you„_

Magnus put his glass on the windowsill, closing his tired eyelids. The clock showed seven in the evening, he could see through the window it was going dark outside. The High Warlock of Brooklyn rubbed his face with hand cold from holding a glass of alcohol with a lot of ice and laid down on his messy bed. Hid body was exhausted, his bones, tendons and muscles were aching, he felt he could really use some sleep. But sleep didn't want to come. To be honest, Magnus Bane hadn't slept for many months. How's is possible? He didn't know. The only thing that kept him alive was a glass of alcohol and the first Sunday of each month. He knew exactly he was pathetic, he people were warning him magic and drinking is the worst idea ever, he was aware of this, but there was nothing else able to protect him form the pain.

He rolled out of bed and snapped, filling his glass with some drink and he emptied it fast, with one gulp. He felt burning in his throat and tingling in his veins swollen from alcohol and perfectly visible under the thin, almost colorless skin. He looked at the window again, seeing a mundane walking and holding child's hand. A big wound in heart let Magnus know about it, forcing him to genuflect. A pain like thousands needles in his whole body causing shaking and tears falling from his eyes faster and faster, wiping out remnant of glitter and black eyeliner. He was like in amok, the attack was lasting, on and on and when Warlock have thought he couldn't stand it anymore, his muscles relaxed and let him cringed on the stained carpet. He forced himself to stand up with big effort, leaning on the edge of the mattress. He walked toward to the kitchen, trying to avoid all the glass on the floor, the effect of his anger from last week.

He had looked around and reminded himself why he didn't wanna come here. He smelt a sweet aroma of the sandal tree and kisses. He turned around and ran to the bathroom, bending down over the toilet very quickly, throwing up violently. When he finished, his head was pulsing with the pain. He tried to get to his fridge again.

"You need to eat... Eat, Magnus..."

Unfortunately, nobody thought about shopping last few days. Actually, nobody had for couple weeks, so Bane should get used to the picture of empty shelfs and a drawer full of wine. He gazed on the calendar. The first Sunday of the month is for two weeks since today...  
"In that way nothing's gonna happen... Nothing"

He had took a whole bottle and started drinking, without any hesitation. After a moment sweet darkness closed his claws on his mind and Warlock slumped in a pleasant nothingness.

When he wasn't unconscious anymore, he realized that he was lying in a puddle of blood and wine. Pieces of glass sticked in his willowy skin, hurting him and causing Magnus muffled pain. He rose from the floor, checking the time. 3.34 am. He moved his body to the bathroom and decided to take a shower, adjusting the temperature of the water. He liked hot, almost boiling showers. He have never felt so weak and exhausted before, however, he forced himself to wipe out the whole body and get dressed. He took some clothes he found in bathroom. Jeans and... He sniffed. Hands trembled in sleeves of the faded sweater, smelling like vanilla and also...

He burst into crying, falling on the cold, wet floor. We was squeezing the material so hard, he hurt his knuckles, blood staining the sweater.

"It's invisible on black, Magnus"

In this position, on his knees he got to his bedroom once again, he crawled to the bed and fall into a restless, full on nightmares sleep.

He was conscious about everything, he heard the clock ticking, his own breath and demons lurking in room's corners. Once they weren't there, Magnus knew as well. He rolled on his stomach, throwing off a quilt with his legs. He felt familiar feeling in his stomach, heralding the upcoming retching. Immediately he laid again oh his back and cried out in pain. It happens definitely too often, night by night. That's why Warlock was so afraid of falling asleep. Every time when he had lost control of his body, the pain paralyzed him, didn't let him breathe, squeezed around him like a steel rim, killing him slowly. Because Magnus Bane was dying. He have been dying piece by piece, from several months incessantly. He knew someday it'll come, even immortal ones sometimes die, but he didn't expect it's gonna happen in that way...

He was afraid, because in his dreams one name used to show up every time. The name that Magnus have loved and hated in the same way, hated because it didn't exist any longer, it didn't match to alive, breathing person. Magnus couldn't forget, couldn't understand that, nothing and no one was important for him.

\- Why?! - suddenly he jumped out of bed, his voice hoarse and full of suffering – Why aren't You here?! Where are You when I need You?! You left me! You disappeared, You took my heart with You, my breath, my whole life! Come back right now! - he hit the wall with his fist, making a bloody smudge on the beige color – You didn't have any rights! You promised it was forever! Forever! - the rest of his words mixed up with his helpless tears. Magnus was snuggling his emaciated face into the mattress, kneeling next to bed and hitting it with his hands. He started coughing, so suffocating that he doubled over, struggling for even the slightest breath. He was screaming because of helplessness and despair until finally, exhausted, he closed his eyelids and collapsed.

* * *

He didn't give himself much time, he awoke after two hours, extremely tired and barely alive. He rose and snapped, conjuring a glass and bottle of vodka. He was drinking shot by shot, until glass slipped out of his shaking hands and fell on the pillow, lying alone on the floor. It was still gray outside, so Warlock had concluded it has to be around 5 am. He stood up from his knees and went to the bathroom. He didn't have a mirror, he broke it two weeks ago after he had seen his horrible reflection. He drank some watter from sink and washed off his face, shuddered because of cold. After a while he moved his emaciated body to the couch in the living room and covered it with the blanket. He gazed on the wall painted light turquoise, the color which reminded him those eyes...

" _I'm here"_

Oh, nice. Magnus started having hallucinations. He laughed bitterly and sneered:

\- Oh, you're not here. You won't be.

" _Look, I'm here with you, Magnus"_

The Warlock felt hot tears in his cheeks. "Magnus". Fate was making fun of him, like Raziel wanted to punish Bane for possession the improper one. Because Magnus Bane had possessed, he had given up his heart and soul and then he clearly was paying a huge price for this.

" _Please, believe. I didn't leave you. I am here"_

\- You're not! Don't you get it?! YOU ARE NOT! Stop, stop, stop! - he slipped his fingers into his hair and pulled with all his strength, to make pain blurry the voices in his head.

" _I am watching over you"_

Magnus couldn't stand it. He stood up listlessly and had left his loft, didn't even care about closing the doors. He went to the river and although it was early spring, he started to taking off his sweater and jeans, standing in his boxers on frozen ground. He came closer to the water and plunged into the water up to the waist. He felt a huge shudder, and when the water reached his neck, it took his breath away. He tilted his head back and closed his eyes. He was so tired. Fall asleep. It would be enough...

" _You are not allowed to do this"_

He heard again. Like some Guardian Angel what it actually impossible. All warlocks are the demons' kids, cursed, left by God, why would he protect them?

He had lifted up his eyelids and sighed, feeling tensing muscles in his legs and then he plunged all his body including head. He forgot to take a breath, but his lunges were burning lightly, it wasn't so bad. He knew he can't stand it.

" _Magnus"_

Warlock emerged from the water and went ashore. "Magnus". One word led him to madness. He reached for his clothes and threw them on himself, shivering. He turned around and went back to his apartment, and after a moment he was already sitting in his bed, still shaking. He conjured a rum with lemon and honey and drank it all very quickly, so the heat spilled over his body. He lay on his back. He would give his battered soul just to hear once again his name spoken in this particular way. In way only one person have been doing this...

" _Magnus..."_

Bane started crying like a little child, hiding his face in the pillow.

" _You have to live. You can't die"_

\- Tell me it's really you... Tell me... Please... Please...

" _You know who I am"_

\- Alexander... - whispered the Warlock with his suppressed voice – Alexander... I'm begging you... I don't want to anymore... I can't...

" _Breathe as long as you can, stand up, leave this all behind you"_

\- Alexander, I... You're just delusions... hallucinations... You're not real...

" _I'm real as long as you're picturing me like this"_

Magnus moaned quietly, closing his eyelids. The pain was unbearable, he hadn't felt that kinda pain even after a Greater Demon attacked and the wound was ripped and poisoned. He outlived many years, many wounds and broken hearts but he couldn't if it came to that one. He had known he wasn't living. He was existing. Anything had no sense, remained staring at the wall, drinking and suffering. It was like someone sticking your heart with a big knife once by once, without any break, hardly and painfully. Moments of oblivion used to come only by numbness when Bane overdone 'percents' and each time he used to wake up of a short, alcoholic coma. Sometimes he dreamt. But those dreams were dark, tragic and full of pain.

 _His eyes were_ _raking up_ _at Warlock's face, staying for a moment on every interesting detail, known by heart of course. Hands were squeezing an arm of the person sitting in big chair, and the voice was whispering "I love you, Magnus" every moment. Magnus hadn't said anything then, waiting for something else. And after that the Greater Demon showed up from nowhere and attacked the one on the bed, causing his death._

That was the moment when Magnus Bane usually woke up, or more like came out the torpor, screaming in terror. Always the same dream and the more times he had it, he was more afraid of it.

He fell on his back, salutary coolness of sheets and the smell of cheap wine. He sank deeper into the mattress, breathing shallowly. He hadn't remembered the last 'slip-full' night, the last time he ate or met anyone. He was empty, washed out of emotions (at least those good ones). If he ever had a heard it was irretrievably lost, he knew in his chest cluster of tissues and veins were pumping blood, warm and able to work, but without any emotion. It was just an organ, like the other ones in Magnus' body. He lost his heart when he lost... yeah. That was the first night which passed on his despair and chills. The next ones were like one, tears, vomits, convulsions, screaming his name into the darkness. Calling his like in a prayer which had never been heard. Rage was next. Then he ruined his loft, hurting and choking with dust and his own tears. When there was nothing left, he took an alcohol and lost in numbness it caused. He was The High Warlock of Brooklyn, it wasn't any big deal to conjure a bottle of some good wine or vodka. The alcohol was the only reason he functioned at all. According to the textbooks of psychology, after that Magnus was expected to enter a phase of 'acceptance', but it was not possible. It all started from the beginning, doubled, fueled longing and unimaginable despair. The longer, the worse the Warlock felt. He was already a shadow of himself before months. He was cheating himself, he has no idea how long did it take. But he knew.

It's been 5 months, 12 days and 9 hours since he was alone. He had no idea how is it even possible he was still alive, because he had eaten when he was strong enough to conjured some chinese food from a pub, and that happened extremely rarely. Eating was tiring. It always took a lot of time and he had to raise his hand with a fork to his mouth, chew, swallow. It had exhausted Magnus more than anything else. He used to walk between his bed, a couch, an armchair and bathroom, and occasionally a kitchen.  
Suddenly he felt inflow of forces large enough to create a portal to a place where he was two months ago.

When he was inside, his bowels tightened in a spasm of uncontrolled pain. First thing that hit his nostrils was smell. Sandal tree, dust, vanilla and jasmine potpourri. The sensation was so strong that Magnus almost vomited on a perfectly polished floor in the lobby. He went toward to the first room, opened the door and felt like he was gonna collapse. A bedspread in green pea, velvet pillows, t-shirt neatly folded on the edge of the mattress. Bane fell into bed and buried his face in that piece of cloth, pulling the smell firmly. The smell... this one, that was that shirt. Not letting it with numb hands, he got up from his knees and walked to a large closet. He was seized by panic, but broke it and opened the door of the furniture. At the sight of evenly eastbound sweaters in the same colors, he burst into tears. That was too much. He closed the wardrobe with a spell and turned around. A bookshelf, table, a bow... Another tightness in chest. Bow and quiver hung on a hook in a representative point in the middle of the wall. Used to the end, so long that the handle was already seedy in places and varnish was leaving. On the desk was open book. Their favourite one. He had remembered each word he was reading these days.

" _Demons are sleeping in me with a restless dream and I am afraid_

 _of drums too loud_

 _Because they can wake up my regret and anger coming to me from_

 _my past_

 _The black angel is overwhelming me again telling me to get a dagger_

 _I feel weakness I'm giving up I wanna see my enemies_

 _dead_

 _What to do with regret when the lack of water in wells  
dried by my anger...  
Like a warm wind can carry me when I carry myself  
with the weakness..._

 _Four elements alternately are dancing in my human soul  
but now is the time of the fire of love I am not  
afraid of those paths ...  
Although sometimes devoid of pity as though I am also  
man carrying the suffering of the blood and bones ... " _

They both had liked that poem, but these days it had a sound of despair and pain. Now it was also like a knife in Magnus' heart already falling apart. Warlock heard in his head melodious tones of spell of immortality and quickly left the bedroom. He didn't want to thing about it. He chose the opposite doors. He found himself in a bright room with walls painted lemon. The room was the room of a boy, a teenager for whom the time stopped forever. Bane looked at the picture standing on the desk and shouted hoarsely, no longer able to endure his grief. On the photo there was Magnus in glitter, gold jacket, standing next to his Angel also in gold, with sparkling blue eyes, and between them blue-skin boy around the age of 6.

He felt we was gonna collapse but he forced himself to keep staring at the photograph. In the frame next to, it was a boy in the age he was forever, forever 17, beautiful, handsome. 30 years ago. In the last frame was a picture breaking Magnus' heart. There was blue-eyed Angel, sent to him for destruction and eternal damnation, his eyes staring at someone who was not seen in the photo. Staring at Magnus, who photographed.

Warlock came back to the bedroom and laid on the huge bed, covered by dust and dirt. His body was shaking, he didn't know because of cold of crying. In his head some melody was playing he heard once and didn't remind himself before. Until now.

" _The space between us  
Time separates us  
and the fate carries us in different directions.  
Lips ran out of spells  
to be able to  
sleep the demons of the past. _

_Again, the sun glow  
for me it is a shadow  
silence of longing feelings  
You hid yourself  
among the stars of heaven,  
to always stay a dream" _

* * *

I'm sorry if there's a lot of mistakes or something but English isn't my mother language so... yeah :) Reviews are really nice :D _  
_


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